Love Hurts..... :(

So, how many of us have had someone we have a lot of feelings for, but when you get mad you put on that hard shell? Even though, you hurt so much inside and want everything to be alright, you just don't want to look weak. Well, that's me! I have to be the one that always has the last word, and my favorite thing to tell somebody is I don't need you, when that is not always the case. I will sit and not call and act like I don't care, when deep inside I'm hoping he will think of me and call. Just sitting there dying inside hoping he is thinking about you as much as you are thinking of him. I'm so stubborn I know, but I feel that in the past I have opened up too much and it got me nowhere but hurt. I know it sounds bad that I decided to take what happened in the past and let it be the reason I am the way I am, but I can't help it; I don't want to get hurt. So, from now on do I let my guard down and risk it or be prepared? I'm just really confused.

Boys... Boys... Boys

Isn't it crazy how when your with someone you can't seem to get the "others" to stop beggin? Well, there is Tremaine, Desman, Dwayne, Mario, the irrelevant ones, and my ex honey James. All named with the exception of Desman are my ex's. Tremaine and Dwayne are friends and always have been, I started talking to Dwayne when Tremaine went away to college a few years ago. Mario came along when things started going south with me and Dwayne. Desman is a new one; he's not as fine as James, but he got swag and that's so sexy to me. James and I have been going through a lot and I am now single for my own personal reasons, he is not where I want him to be and it hurts like Hell, but I refuse to lower my standards because you're sexy, good in bed, spends money on me, and tells me I'm beautiful every chance he gets. That all sounds good, but I feel like I'm in a relationship by myself, and that's not going to fly. Tremaine is a sweet heart, Dwayne is just forever my best friend and boo, Desman's new, but James is my love. I think about this guy all the time. I don't know what else to say but I love him! Maybe he'll come around...Who knows? But, until then I'll keep my options open.

What's Love Gotta Do With It?

So, earlier in my blogging I mentioned how my boyfriend and I had got into it bad, and how since then, we have fixed things for the better. Well, things have kind of been on a slippery slope since then. Let me first start off by saying he's 28, which means he has ways that can and will not change. This is kind of a bad situation because there are things that I want that he simply can't adjust to due to the fact he has grown into the person he is probably going to be for the rest of his life. And, this really leaves me in a hard place because I'm in love with someone that I expect certain things from that is likely not going to change. What do I do? Maybe leave it alone? No, because you can't just drop in and out of love with someone that you really feel you're supposed to be with. One of my cousins (who is my part time counsler lol) told me something that has stuck with me for a long time now, she said you can't change people, you just have to change your expectations of them. This makes so much sense, but the only downfall is I too have grown to want certain things, so it's not easy to just stop wanting the things you've always had; it's possible just terribly hard. I'll bare with him for as long as I can, but my question is when does it end?

Too Much Going ON!!!!!!!

These past two weeks have been so hectic! I don’t know why the last weeks of school have so much work. I have been doing so much, I feel as though my head is going to explode. I have two finals, a presentation that happened today, and a major paper due Friday, I have to go to the writing center for my Writing and Rhetoric class, and on top of all that I have to clean my room so that I can be out by Sunday. Can someone please tell me why this is so difficult! I think the UC should at least give us a week after classes to clean and pack. I mean they want it spotless in each room, but we have other stuff we have to also take care of! It sucks, but you got to do what you got to do. Good thing next semester I’ll not only not be staying here, but I’ll only have classes Monday and Wednesday. That’s the best decision I’ve ever made! lol

Pressing On... Or at least trying

Last time, I spoke about how I was having problems with my "significant other." Well, things have changed; I don't know if it’s necessarily for the better though. I saw him this past weekend and he tried his best to cater to me to the fullest! Rubbing my feet, being gentle (well he's always gentle) it was just EXTRA this time. Things were looking up... So I thought. Thursday, I found out my dad was in the hospital, because his lung collapsed and had to have surgery. I've let everyone know I'm a Daddy's girl so it kind of cut me deep. THEN! I'm with my "significant other" and he leaves his phone in the car; big mistake! Now, I know I may seem invasive, but I was SO temped, and I did it! I saw a few text messages that weren't that bad but I made it that way. I also let everyone know I had an anger problem and even though I'm working on it; it's not exactly where it should be. So, me being me, I go off! It's bad! We’re arguing and it gets a little physical; it’s crazy at this point! So, I'm threatening to leave and he falls on his knees crying and begging, but I'm not hearing it at that time. I end up leaving and he's calling and calling and saying how he loves me and how he can't live without me, but still I'm not hearing it! I know I probably sound like a bitch, but he lied! I was told no one had his number because he had just gotten it changed. So, of course it makes it look like something else even if it wasn't. I feel like you don't have to lie to me; I'll tell you whatever you want to know, even if it makes you angry. So, I have all these thoughts going through my head, and it’s really stressing me out. So, things finally calm down and now we're talking, but we are not together. My dad had his surgery and is doing well, and will be home from the hospital probably next week.
Through all the headache I had to push forward. That’s something we have to do in all situations. Problems will arise, and it will be times when you feel like its trouble coming from every direction. But, the goal is to press forward and keep your eye on the prize. Of course, it’s going to be hard, but it’s definitely possible.

Obstacles....

Everyday poses a new challenge. Today, I've broken up with my boyfriend. Sad, I know right? This one situation makes me feel tired, lonely, and I really just don't feel like doing anything! I'm sure we've all been in this same predicament... That miserable state of mind that just keeps eating at you! How do you come out? How do you forget? Is it even possible to forget? These are the questions we ask ourselves when we really just dont know what to do. Is he going to come to his senses? Does he care like I care? Is he thinking and stressing about this like I am? We always hope so, but is that really the case? People say, "think positive, it will turn around and everything will go back to how it was." Are you sure? How can they be so certain? They don't feel how I feel; their definitely not hurting like I'm hurting! So, no one can really speak for me, but me! But, for now I just have to keep busy and don't listen to anyone's advice. Besides, it only hurts for now; things will get better, maybe he'll change and I'll go back to him. Who knows, maybe there's another man for me. ;)

SPeCiaLs TaLeNTs...

Everyone has their own talents in which they can become successful. I guess it depends on your development in those talents and how you choose to use them. Whether it be in dance, film writing, marketing, music, or just plain old manipulation, these talents need to be nurtured. Yes, manipulation is a talent. Trust me I know! And its definately not something that everyone has. But, its using mind tricks to get what you want. You have to have all the right moves and all the right words without giving too much of you. I used to be a "pro" but I'm turning over a new leaf; too many feelings were hurt in the end. My kind of manipulation didn't care about nobody but me! And it got me a lot... But, thats another subject in itself. I have a lot of juicy stories, but I'm getting off track so back to the original subject... lol

Nurturing your talents is an essential. That means using your talents as much as possible. I think the saying is true, "use it or lose it." By utilizing your gifts, you can only get better and better. Not only does this help in the development of your talent, it also gives you a sense of awareness. That way, you know what to expect in all situations, and how to deal with these situations, and different tactics on how to make that situation work to your advantage(very useful words when it comes to manipulation lol.)Well, until next time....

I AM WOMaN....

CULTURE
The quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent in arts, letters, manners, scholarly pursuits, etc; The behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group.

Me being both a woman and an African American, I guess I represent two cultures. Both in which I have different stereotypes hanging over my head. That in itself puts me two steps behind other people in my future career field, especially white males. These are the individuals who are looked at as the “pharaohs” of the workplace, while we’re the little “Ethiopian slaves” who are given the task of helping them build their empire. We are the ones who work our asses off but, because they have that title, they get the pat on the back. I am not trying sound like an extreme feminist who hate all men but, these are the facts! And there are men who actually work hard to get to those positions but, let’s be honest! White MEN are chosen first! After that, are the other races of MEN. Then! Women are considered. Why is that? Women aren’t weak and that’s a proven fact. Women make the world go round, without us men are nothing! Everybody knows the saying, “behind every great man, is a strong woman…” That’s because we have the power, we hold the key! And only women have it… You know what it is, and no man can deny this claim……………………………………………………….. Right guys? No, but seriously, that is what has encouraged me. Knowing that I have so many odds against me makes me want it more. And I will get it!
Just a sidebar... I know some may think I’m a little… well… I don’t know… I just know I have very strong views on certain things and I try and let it be known. I got some feedback about my previous blog referring to the homeless people I mentioned. I would like to clear up that I’m not a homeless people, man hating witch. It was just a thought, I give to the homeless and I do charity work. The things that were said were simply thoughts, nothing more. Even though, I do appreciate everyone’s opinion. Can’t wait to see the comments on this one!

Road to Success...

Eagerness to succeed,

But no willingness to exceed

Expectations...

Wanting to reach the top,

With no real desire to adopt

Your learning essentials...

Loving to showing off,

But can't even show up

for class?

Knowledge...

Power....

Knowledge is Power!

So, take the wheel and make

your own path...

Dedication nourishes determination

So take this with you on your road

to succession...

Never follow anyone else's lead,

For if you do

You end up at someone else's destination...

I didn't have a title for this when I wrote it, but I've come to realize this happens a lot! But, thats another subject in itself.

I guess what this poem entails is you can't get to the point your trying to reach without working hard to get there. I know everyone is familiar with the saying, "anything worth having, is worth fighting for," I live that! If I want to be able to go to the store and buy clothes or shoes, I should have the desire to work for that money. I feel that same theory applies when it comes to getting your education. If you want to be that CEO, or that Film Director, that stuff doesn't come easy nor is it given to you. Something that always gets to me is when those who are less fortunate come up to me and ask for money. Not only are they asking for your hard earned money, their asking you to give it to them free! My question is what have you done to deserve "free" money? Also, why are you different from Me? If I was to stand outside and ask for money, people would look at me crazy. So, I feel if I'm expected to get up, get out, and get something, why aren't they? I don't mean to be harsh and mean because I do my share of helping them out, I just feel that no one has a real explanation as to why they can't to succeed. Many have excuses, but really no explanations and those two words mean two totally different things.

You have to work hard to show your worthy of that position you want. So, I say work hard! No matter how hard it may get it will always... ALWAYS pay off in the long run.